The Zoo

So we're all set to go to the zoo on Saturday when it begins raining Friday...and stops raining Saturday afternoon. No zoo. But wait! My wife hits me with, "Well, we can just go tomorrow, can't we?" How many of you have been in this situation? You don't officially have anything to do, but it's week 3. I mean Bengals-Steelers. Colts-Jags. Titans-Dolphins. Ok, maybe not so much on the last one, but if I'm paying $200 for the Sunday Ticket, by golly, I want to get my money's worth. So my response to Molly? "Sure...what time does the zoo open?"
The plan-leave home by 10:00 a.m. Leave the zoo by 2:00 p.m. That would allow us (mainly me) to get home right around kickoff of the Rams-Cards game. That's fair, isn't it? I thought so too. To make things fun for everyone I decided to take along a pen and paper to keep a running diary.

11:25 p.m. (Saturday)
Molly: Are you sure you want to go tomorrow?
Me: Yes, why wouldn't I? (nose begins to grow)

7:15 a.m.
I'm up. I wake up before the alarm goes off. I love it when that happens. Time to do some last-minute checking of fantasy football lineups. Some time to read the papers while I enjoy my coffee as everyone else in the house is in bed.

7:17
Cruz: Daa, daa, daa.

9:57
And we're off. The car is loaded up with the kids and all their goodies. I've got my cellphone charged and the internet is ready to go with the NFL scoreboard. The morning has actually gone really well. Brooks is excited. Cruz is about ready for a nap, so he'll be out in no time. And best of all, we're pulling out of the driveway three minutes ahead of our goal.

9:58
Molly: Hey, we need to stop at IGA because we were out of bread.
Me: (saying nothing, turning into IGA)

10:01
On the road again. Thus far we've driven 3/4 mile and made one stop. At this rate we'll be at the zoo sometime around Easter.

10:55
We're about to Fairview Heights and Cruz has been asleep since we passed Central Park. Brooks has been awake, but hasn't said a...wait a minute....
Brooks: I have to pee.

11:10
Does it get any better than this? I love the toilet that is just not quite short enough for Brooks to stand and pee, but way too big for him to sit on it. It's either me hold him up while he shoots for a bulls-eye looking at his target or the same thing hoping he points it down so I don't end up getting peed on. Good times.

11:17
Brooks: Hey dad! There's that arch you like!

11:38
We're there. Kids out. Cruz in the stroller. My cellphone in my pocket. The whole nine. As we walk through the gates I see my first football jersey of the day. Steven Jackson? No. Torry Holt? Nope. Marc Bulger? Try again. How about the one and only---Jake Plummer. Jake friggin Plummer? I'm at the St. Louis Zoo and I see a navy Broncos #16 jersey. Is this a sign of things to come?

11:49
We're in the reptile house. And it's warm. I couldn't be a reptile. Anyway, Molly calls Brooks over because he wants to see the turtles.
Molly: Hey Brooks, come here and see...oh wait...nevermind.
(blushing)
Brooks: What, mama?
Molly (to me): I think they're making turtle babies.
Me (looking at the turtles like an immature 7th grader): I think you're right.

11:53
Molly: Derek, come on!

11:57
The turtles finish doing their...um...stuff.

12:15 p.m.
Fifteen minutes after kickoff, we enter the monkey house. We haven't even got through the door when Brooks asks, "What's that smell!?" If you've ever been to the monkey house, you know exactly what smell Brooks was asking about.

12:43
Molly: What in the world are you doing on that phone? Are you sending a text?
Me: No, I'm just checking some stuff out.
(Like how did Buffalo score? Did McGahee finally reach the endzone? Did Steve Smith score in the Panther game? Are the Redskins already up? I didn't think they'd cover. I shoulda known better, Houston is terrible. What was the spread on the Bucs-Panthers game again? I think I took the Bucs and the points in my one pool. Or did I take Carolina?
I need to focus. Focusing.)
Molly: Let's go see the penguins and puffins.
Me: Did you just say something about my team?
Molly: What are you talking about?
Me: (realizing I'm at the zoo and we're approaching the penguins and puffins) Uh, nothing.

12:55
Okay, we've just seen some real horned puffins and I can't stand it. I need to get some halftime updates. Plus we're an hour away from our 2:00 departure time.

12:57
Are those raindrops? They are. Maybe this is it...
Me: Do you think we should head for the car?
Molly: Are you serious? It's not even hardly sprinkling. You just want to go home and watch football.
Me: No I don't. (A bird is beginning to build a nest on the tip of my nose.)

1:24
We've seen snakes, turtles, penguins, puffins, bears, giraffes, hippos, zebras, and rams. One big one remains-the elephants. We enter the trail and if you've ever been to the St. Louis Zoo you may already know where this is headed. To see the elephants, you have to take what seems like a 5 hour journey to the center of the universe. By the time you get to the elephants you're tired, mad, pissed, and thirsty. You're also probably carrying your 3-year-old and cussing under your breath at the fact that you couldn't just walk by and see the stupid elephants like you could the tigers.

1:39
Molly (pushing Cruz) and I (carrying Brooks) consider suing the zoo for pain and suffering. Can we do that?

1:42 (no lie)
We see the elephants, including the baby. It's pretty cool, but not worth the trouble. If I miss kickoff of the Rams-Cardinals game I will be contacting an attorney. Scott, you there?

1:57
My watch says it's not yet 2:00 and we are in the car heading home. Cruz is already asleep and Brooks is zoning out. He eventually falls asleep and Molly and I (at least I) enjoy a little Rams pregame on the way back to Centralia. We pull in the driveway having only missed kickoff by minutes. All in all, it was a great trip. I guess I'll let the zoo slide this time.